Epilogue

Spring cleaning is impossible when you have school and a nearly full-time job. That’s why I’m doing my spring cleaning now, in early August, in the break between summer session and fall semester. School has forced me to accumulate an amazing amount of junk. My Spartan bedroom now has whole areas overrun with books and papers, a monument to the trees that died for my education. I’ll never be able to look at a logged forest again without feeling a sense of guilt. I bought myself a filing cabinet and some folders and tried to make some sense of the mess; it seemed wasteful to throw all of it away, yet it presented a storage nightmare going forward. Hopefully there would be a need to refer to it again later, so I wouldn’t feel so silly about saving it.

It was in the process of cleaning out the nightstand drawer that I found the letter from Nick. I was supposed to read it nearly two months earlier, but I completely forgot about it. I held it in my hands for a long time before I decided whether or not I should open it. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to know what it had to say, but in the end I opened it anyway. I unfolded the white lined paper and read his careful handwriting.

Dear Angela,

If all goes according to plan, it’s now June 22 and we haven’t seen each other for six months. I hope that you had a good Christmas and that the new year has brought good things to your life. I don’t know if you understood why I left. Believe me, it’s not what I wanted. For reasons I can’t explain, I wanted to spend as much time with you as possible, in spite of the fact that you are, to put it bluntly, a complete mess. I don’t think that anyone has ever treated you well, and I’m worried that my continued presence in your life will have you leaning on me like a crutch. That’s not what you need. What you need is to be strong, to figure out what makes Angela tick. You’re so much smarter than you’ll ever give yourself credit for. You need to find that inside you and embrace it. (I’m realizing how silly this all sounds, but I think you know me well enough to understand the meaning behind the words.)

Please answer the following questions with a yes or no answer:

1. I am smart.
2. I am funny.
3. I am beautiful.
4. I can do whatever I set my mind to.
5. I believe that I will have a good life.

If you answered at least three of those with a “yes”, please give me a call. Otherwise, wait another six months and take the test again. You’ll get there. I truly believe it.

Much love,
Nick

I looked at the questions. Yeah, I thought, I can agree with three of those. I smiled. Who would have guessed that I would have come this far?

I tucked the letter away in the drawer and finished cleaning. I’ll call him eventually, I thought to myself. But that first communication is always the hardest, and I never actually picked up the phone.

It was a week before Thanksgiving and I had a terrible craving for pizza. I headed over to Vinnie’s on Market with a girl from one of my classes, and we spread out our notes and had a study group session at the corner table with a large pepperoni and two Cokes, the greasy, sugary lunch of champions. The restaurant was nearly empty in the mid-afternoon, so we stayed and studied for our last round of tests before finals at the corner table. It was then that I heard a familiar voice. I turned towards the center of the restaurant and saw Nick being seated with another EMT and a cop, all in blue uniforms. I excused myself from the table and walked over.

“Nick?”

He looked up from his menu and his eyes lit up. “Angela!” He stood up so quickly that he jostled the table, knocking over a glass of water. We mopped it up with napkins grabbed from neighboring tables and stepped away from his friends to talk.

“You look exactly the same,” I said, smiling at him.

“You don’t,” he replied. “You look wonderful.” I had gained a few pounds as a result of access to real food, and I was closer to what you would consider to be normal weight. My hair had grown past my shoulders, and Missy had set me down the path of home-color highlights that she insisted brightened my eyes and framed my face. I looked very girlie.

“Guess what,” I said. “I’m working out at the gym on a regular basis, and I can honestly say that I have not been hurled from the back of a treadmill since that day last year. Plus, I ditched the bookstore and I’m working as a waitress now, so I’m more active than I think I’ve ever been in my life. I’m making better money, too. Which doesn’t say much, but it’s better than nothing.”

“How’s school?”

“Good. Well, the first semester was rough. I didn’t have the best GPA, but I did reasonably well in my summer classes. I think part of the spring semester was adjustment, and part of it was the fact that I didn’t really like some of my early core classes. Now it’s all about stuff that I’m actually interested in.”

“Have you picked a major?”

“Not officially, but I think I’m leaning towards something with counseling. I really loved Ed Psych, and I think I would be good at helping kids overcome their problems. After all, I’ve been there.” He nodded.

“Oh! I forgot to tell you!” I didn’t know how I’d managed to let this slip. “I’m still off all meds – unless you count caffeine, which I’ll admit to abusing heavily as I pull all-nighters. But it turns out that a lot of my problems were really side effects of the drugs more than problems inherent to me.”

“No more depression?” he asked.

“Well… I have my days. I think I tend towards the dark side more than most people. But I think I’ve found ways to cope with it on a daily basis. I seem to be able to pull myself out of the funk when it happens.”

“Good for you.” He touched my arm gently as he spoke. “How’s Missy?”

“She’s doing well. She and David are talking about long-term plans after she graduates in the spring.”

“No kidding? That’s wonderful. I didn’t know him well, but he seemed like a good guy.”

“He is. I’m happy for her.”

“And you?” He asked cautiously. “Are you seeing anyone?”

“No,” I replied. “I haven’t dated at all in the last year. I tell people that it’s because I don’t have time, with working and school, but the truth is that I haven’t wanted the distraction. I’ve got a lot to focus on.”

“Oh yeah, absolutely,” he said, a little too quickly.

“What about you?” I asked.

“There’s nobody special right now. I recently broke up with someone. It was one of those on-again, off-again things.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know those are hard.”

“The interesting thing is that this time, I’m not sorry that it’s over. I think this time it’s for good.”

“Hey Nick,” the cop called from the table. “Pizza’s here.”

“I guess I should get back over there,” he said.

“Definitely, go. Don’t let it get cold.” I took a step backwards, then approached again. “It was great seeing you. Really great.” I leaned forward and gave him a hug. He kissed me on the cheek.

I went back to the table and continued preparing for our next test. Nick and the guys finished and headed for the door. “Bye, Angela,” he called.

“Bye, Nick.”

He stepped out the door, bell rattling against the glass. He was back in a moment, standing over our table.

“Here’s the thing,” he said. “I would like to take you out for dinner. Can I call you?”

I thought for a moment. I meant what I’d said about not wanting the distraction. “How about this: give me a call and we’ll talk. Let’s leave dinner as an option for later.”

“Fair enough,” he replied. “Same number?”

“Same number.”

He paused for a moment. “You don’t really need me anymore, do you?”

I thought about that. “No, I don’t need you. Not like before. Now I just want you.” My study partner chuckled.

He grinned. “I can accept that.” He kissed me on the cheek again and headed back out to the waiting ambulance.

“Nice work,” my study partner said sarcastically. “Very subtle.”

But I didn’t have to be subtle, not with Nick. His eyes were wide open, and it delighted me to think that he liked what he saw. The past is the only thing we know for sure. The present is the only thing we can change. The future remains to be seen.